Do people ever change?Ó ItÕs the question IÕm asked most frequently by frustrated members of family businesses. They may be referring to a sisterÕs rigidity about policies and paperwork, or a brother-in-lawÕs lack of respect for othersÕ time. It may be MomÕs explosiveness toward employees who donÕt measure up, or DadÕs closed-mindedness.
Those who ask always seem to be stuck with a family member or key employee whose behavior has become intolerable. Some are hopeful that a psychologist might be able to cure the person, but on the whole, lay opinion seems to be: ÒNo, people donÕt change; you have to just live with them or replace them.Ó
Is that sadly true?
It cannot be absolutely true, because most of us clearly continue acquiring knowledge and skills all our lives. Take Walter, for example, a 35-year-old whoÕs been working for 10 years with his father, brother, and sister. All three of them say the same thing: Walter is the nicest guy in the world, but he canÕt keep a deadline of any kind, and he always has an excuse. They even know a label for WalterÕs behavior: Òpassive-aggressive.Ó
WalterÕs learning didnÕt stop 10 years ago. He is the computer literate member of the family. He flies hang gliders. He buys boat engines, which a division of the company rebuilds profitably thanks to WalterÕs continually growing technical expertise and market tracking. During the years when his family has been bemoaning the lack of change in him, Walter has married and become a parent. Curiously, his wife seems not to have noticed the annoying pattern that drives his family nuts.
WalterÕs family expressed the question as one of personality: ÒDo passive-aggressive people ever change?Ó This implies that it isnÕt a matter of Walter changing specific kinds of behavior. They assume itÕs the whole person that needs to be changed. Can we change him into a different kind of person?
The answer to that is no. But can people change their attitudes and behavior? Of course they can, within limits, if they acknowledge they have contributed to the problem. People who are unfortunate enough to blame every one but themselves for in terpersonal problems are beyond treatment by any intervention known to the behavioral sciences. (I predict that the first psychologist to win a Nobel Prize will be whoever, in the next century, finds a cure for people who insist thereÕs nothing wrong with them.) Will Walter acknowledge that his deadline failures and excuse-making in the family business are problematic behavior? Does he want to change?
We all have a range of behavior from which we select our customary responses to different situations. For example, people who are rude and belligerent when they feel threatened also have in their repertoires the ability to be patient and considerate. ItÕs not that the person is incapable of considering othersÕ sensitivities; itÕs just that he does so under some circumstances and not others.
An example would be the guy who is constantly making racially and sexually offensive Òjokes.Ó ÒThatÕs just the way I am,Ó he says to those who criticize him. The critics, however, might then ask: ÒDo you tell those jokes to your mother-in-law? To your ministerÕs wife?Ó No, he admits, he doesnÕt, which proves that, when he wants to be, he can be selective about where and to whom he tells such jokes. The behavior is under his control.
I apply this principle when working with business partners who donÕt communicate well with each other, who are Òbad listeners.Ó Often these partners listen quite attentively when dealing with customers. Instead of trying to teach them whole new patterns of behavior, I learned to focus on the communication skills they routinely apply with customers. ItÕs infinitely easier to coach people to extend their existing repertoire to new situations than it is to teach them entirely new forms of behavior.
In WalterÕs case, the challenge would be to persuade him to be as responsible in his business relationships as he is with his wife and children. ÒI donÕt disappoint my wife,Ó he freely admits, Òbecause when I disagree with her I say so in the first place.Ó When heÕs given an assignment heÕs not comfortable with in the business, however, he doesnÕt show the same assertiveness. He keeps quiet about it, and his resentment shows up in his attitude toward deadlines. WalterÕs task, then, is to learn to express his disagreements with family members openly, as he does with his wife.
People change in small steps. No one in her right mind is going to abandon all the defenses she has built up over years of experienceÑfor example, with her siblings in the family businessÑjust because some family therapist pinpoints her defensiveness as part of the problem. What she might do, though, is lower her defenses just a little in an area where the risk is small. Then, if her slightly greater openness meets with responses that are slightly more constructiveÑor more respectful, or more dependable, or less insultingÑshe may move in the direction of lowering her defenses just a touch.
WalterÕs behavior is another kind of defense. He isnÕt going to abandon the whole strategy that has protected him for years. But he can watch for the occasion to test a different approach, in circumstances where the risks arenÕt too great and thereÕs a chance family members might notice and appreciate the change. In order to encourage Walter to change, we have to give him a different aspect of ourselves to respond to.
Change needs to be gradual for another reason: If it isnÕt, the group is likely to undermine it. Everyone claims to believe in change, but this usually comes down to wishing that other people would change their obnoxious ways without substituting anything new. When it comes to positively supporting the changes their family members actually make, it can be another story. The reality is that families, like all human organizations, resist radical change more effectively than they promote it. ÒBetter the devil ye know than the devil ye know notÓ seems to be a universal principle.
Finally, people change developmentally. They enter new stages of life with different agendas and concerns. They mature. A change in behavior that would be very difficult at age 30, when a young adult is struggling to define his identity and individuality, may be easier at 45 with the desire for rejuvenating challenges. More than one 70-year-old who canÕt be convinced of anything has softened considerably by the time he reaches a ripe 80.
When researchers say that personality is relatively stable over the life span, this only means that how Walter compares with other 35-year-olds is similar to where he will stand relative to other 45-, 55-, and 65-year-olds as the years go by. It doesnÕt mean there isnÕt any change with age.
I have known many Walters who did change. One learned to recognize his habitual impulse to react Òpassive-aggressively,Ó and, instead, to express his objections openly before accepting a commitment. Another eliminated his constant ÒkiddingÓ put-downs of his wife and sisters. It isnÕt at all unusual for men and women whose eyes have been opened to the problems they are causing to start taking the initiative to communicate proactively, or dress more professionally, or take more responsibility.
So although we therapists have no magic wands for changing personality, we are able to help the Walters of the world, if and when they acknowledge they contribute to the problem. We can help them extend their repertoire of effective social skills into domains and relationships where they have not chosen to use them in the past. We should expect them to change only gradually, however, taking small risks, testing the waters, and seeing what kind of responses they get from their families and co-workers before developing new habits. Finally, the degree of change they are capable of will depend on whether they have mastered the developmental challenges up to that point in their lives and achieved an appropriate level of maturity.
Those of us who toil in the realm of family dynamics have learned to push for slow, evolutionary shifts rather than a revolution in anyoneÕs basic personality. No, a person doesnÕt change into someone else. But we can all stand a little refinement.
Ken Kaye of Kaye & McCarthy in Skokie, IL, is a family therapist who works exclusively with family businesses.