Good communication is a two-way street

Many business owners are not good communicators or listeners. Instead, they use words like Humpty Dumpty.

By Léon Danco

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master—that's all."

—Through the Looking Glass

 

Business founders tend to be extremely goal-oriented, single-minded individuals. They have to be to make the grade. By and large, they don't place a very high value on being articulate. Many of them are not good communicators or listeners either, except when it helps them achieve their goal, which is to make money.

Once they have the dream of a family business, however, words become crucial to the future of their enterprise. To motivate both heirs and employees, and to carry out the many tasks of succession, business owners must respond to the needs of others and articulate a vision that embraces the dreams of all concerned. But too often, words in family businesses are used to manipulate and control.

Ambiguity is one way that some business owners cloak a personal agenda. They use words to mean whatever they want—"neither more nor less." So when a business owner tells me, "We're very private," I usually suspect he really means, "I'm very secretive." If only the boss knows what's going on in "his" company, he cannot ever be questioned or replaced. (Same goes when it's "her" company.)

Words frequently mask meanings in a family business. When a parent tells his would-be successors, "Someday, all this will be yours...," the offspring justifiably ask, "When, Dad?" He replies, "When you are ready."

Now, if the father is 45 and the children are only in their 20s, this kind of statement may not be misleading. But if dad is 70, and the potential successors are their 40s and have been ready for many years to take over the business, what the owner may really be saying is, "I'm not ready"—that is, don't count on getting rid of me just yet.

Rights or obligations, cooperation or collusion, trust or exploitation, family-first or business-first, fair or equal—in a family business, words such as these too often take on different meanings, both positive and negative, in the ears of the listener.

Dividends? To the owner-manager, the word evokes powerful images of double taxation and hemorrhaging capital. To the passive shareholder, dividend are "rights" to be enjoyed by all investors. Board of directors? To me creating one with capable outsiders is like going to church. To some owners, it means a bunch of fools meddling in their decisions.

And so it goes. To young people, "retirement" may conjure up images of skiing and playing golf year-round. But to some aging business owners, the word suggests rejection at best, or euthanasia at worst. For parents with an obsessive work ethic, "responsibility" means getting to work on time every day and taking short lunch hours. For their offspring, it may mean simply being conscientious in accepting their assigned duties and working on them.

Perhaps no words can be more divisive in family businesses than titles, with all the subtle social gradations they imply. When two brothers have more or less equal ownership, arguments seem to be more frequent if one is called "president" and the other "vice-president" than if their titles are "chairman" and "president." In the world's eyes as well as in the brothers'—and especially their spouses'— a chairman and a president can enjoy relatively equal status. But Mrs. Vice-President will always feel one step below Mrs. President in the social hierarchy.

Much has been said about failures of communication in family businesses. Some family members think the issues are just too hot to handle. But saying nothing can often be more destructive than saying the wrong thing.

Then too, business families often have two languages—one for home and one for the office—and it isn't easy keeping them apart. It may be appropriate for a child to call his or her father Mr. Jones, Dad, or even George around the office. But a daughter who calls her father "Daddy" around other managers fosters the impression that she's not yet grown up and ready to assume adult responsibility. Likewise, the parent who still calls his son "Skippy" calls undue attention to the family connection and may undermine his offspring's authority. Nicknames from childhood are best left at home.

People with power are often so wrapped up in what they are doing that they don't realize the impact their words have on those around them. The poet Robert Burns wrote that we could avoid many blunders and foolish notions if we could only "see ourselves as others see us." In a book called The Image, Kenneth Boulding, longtime professor of economics at the University of Colorado, suggested that leaders can gain insight into how others react to them by asking, "Who am I?" In a family business, the leader will get different answers from different constituencies. To your community, you are one of the pillars of society. To your employees, you are the boss. To your children, you are the parent. To your stockholders, you're the person entrusted with their investment and their family legacy. What all these people hear when you tell them something depends on who they are.

A lot of miscommunication is simply due to inattentiveness to what others are trying to say. It doesn't take much effort to communicate with a peer of your own age and generation. Chances are the two of you share many of the same historical experiences and vocabulary, and with a few grunts and nods you can get your point across. But diversity colors the language of family businesses. When talking with people of other ages, cultures, and experiences you have to be more attentive and try to hear their vocabulary. Try to use their words to get your point across.

We are talking here, however, less about politically correct language—PC language—than "listener correct" language. LC language, as I see it, follows a few simple rules:

1. Good communication is a two-way street. The speaker must try to hear what the listener is hearing, and the listener what the speaker is trying to say.

2. Be attentive to the meanings that others attach to words. Try to use the logic of their vocabulary in order to demonstrate that they have been understood.

3. Examine the meanings that you attach to words and whether others can interpret them as concealing hidden motives. Strive for clarity of expression. Take pride in articulateness—it's not the same as verbosity.

What underlies these rules is empathy, and some people no doubt have an inborn talent for it. With practice, even the most tunnel-visioned entrepeneur can develop it, but some will pay attention to their vocabulary only when they realize the high cost of insensitivity.

Words can be used to bring people together as well as drive them apart. Like Humpty Dumpty, those who don't learn to use them constructively are headed for a Great Fall.

 

Léon Danco is the founder of the Center for Family Business in Cleveland and the author of four books on family business.